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Monday, December 15th, 2008
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12:10 pm - See you there
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2008
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2:50 am - existentialism
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I took on more than I could today. I should have known better when I felt it creeping up on me. It took very little to trigger that all too familiar sense of displacement. Yet, I forged ahead, with sadistic pleasure.
Once again - as happened a few years ago - I am a stranger to the world I once knew so well (or so I thought).
I know I will be okay once I wake up... I know that with this new level of maturity and insight, I don't have to suffer for an extended period, as I previously did. But as with how the story usually goes, I have to suffer the Dark Ages again; ponder about why good, talented, intelligent people whom I admire greatly take their own lives, why certain things take on a certain course, why am I doing what I am doing, why am I not doing something else, why am I still here, why the hell do I even deserve it etc...
I write here because, if I am to walk out to the living room now ('What's on TV?', I will ask with perfect normalcy), or even if one is to drop me a phonecall now ('Hello!', I'd respond with perfect pitch), I'd have been perfectly normal - the same old daughter, friend, sister whom will laugh along with new jokes and anecdotes. All whilst battling the inner restlessness that continues to brew and stir.
There is no necessity to talk about it with other people -- there is usually a general lack of understanding and the possibility that someone will dismiss me as thriving on pretension or melodrama.
I write because I must be honest with myself; I can cheat as a daughter, friend, sister... I can disguise for that few hours, or whatever the situation warrants, but what goes on inside, I cannot deny. That is as much as I can do for myself -- to not lie and tell it as it is.
And that is all there is to it.
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2007
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1:52 pm - Letters on existentialism
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| Monday, May 28th, 2007
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2:39 am - Banksy, Wall and Piece, p. 79
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| Saturday, February 24th, 2007
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5:32 pm - Of happiness.
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On the beach a wise hermit told me,
"The sea is happiness".
I tried to grasp it in my hands
but it slipped away
so I took a pail
and filled it to the brim
carried it home
set it away
but over time
it evaporated;
Sad and empty I returned
to the wise hermit and asked,
"How can I hold on to happiness forever?"
The hermit taught me to swim.
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I'm Feeling Lucky
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
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12:14 pm - 'I am pleased for you Kath. It's just that, well, I wish I'd found it'
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| Saturday, October 29th, 2005
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10:51 pm - I will say, say, say... I will say...
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don't walk too far, lest i lose sight 1.
Glass, Concrete & Stones fuels my run when the wheels of weariness start to rotate...
Words like 'crack of dawn', 'bags are down', 'packed for traveling', 'keepin' my flavour fresh', 'so I'm leavin' at 6 o' clock' remind me that my turn will come soon and this is the choice I made...
And this is what I have traded my familiarity for; a more liberated lifestyle, a chance to cross my hands behind my head, lie on the lawns and stare at the skies till my vision turns to a greenish-blue tint (from the glare)...
I blink a few times in hope the good ol' colours come back, and then I realise where I am. Somewhere different - and different is not always bad.
Anyway, Change never killed.
( x )
current mood:  pensive
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I'm Feeling Lucky
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| Sunday, June 19th, 2005
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11:50 pm - All is not lost.
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'Weariness comes at the end of the acts of a mechanical life, but at the same time it inaugurates the impulse of consciousness.
It awakens consciousness and provokes what follows. What follows is the gradual return into the chain or it is the definitive awakening.
At the end of the awakening comes, in time, the consequence: suicicde or recovery.
For everything begins with consciousness and nothing is worth anything except through it.'
Albert Camus, The Absurd.
It does not serve as a conclusive answer, for it does not offer a resolution. The questions still remain irresolute and elusive as ever, but at least I know I gained some headway. As much as I bitched about Philosophy.. towards the end, serendipitously, this dawned on me. Different people have to work out their different set of questions and answers, this was a jackpot for me. And for the lack of a better word, it just felt really nice...
current mood:  content
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I'm Feeling Lucky
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| Sunday, May 19th, 2002
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2:20 pm - Microphone Tester.
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